[It's still the real question in the end, isn't it? What they should do, if they ever do manage to finally break free of this ship...if not return home. The fact of the matter is that Jade simply doesn't know yet, either...but for his part, it wouldn't be the first time he's decided to focus fully on only one single goal, firmly setting aside worrying about the aftermath for when it finally arrives. (How many years did he sink into resurrecting Gelda Nebilim, without any plans whatsoever for what he'd even do with himself after succeeding? Maybe there's no such thing as a healthy way to use such a mindset, but when the alternative is existentially freezing up...well. Again, their options remain terribly limited presently...)
Rita's use of the present tense in that answer, though--ah. Even just that brings about something of an aching sort of twinge, though Jade knows it wasn't her intention. Another slight pause falls, as he studies the coffee table between them.]
...At one time, I did.
[And perhaps he might again, someday. --The self he is back home now, anyway. There are still many replicas trying to find a place in the world, there, and he hopes to aid them in such a cause. But as to the ones he knew, for that brief span of time...thoughts of Fon Master Ion arise as well, and by extension Jade's referring to him too. But as to the person he's referencing here and now...]
The replica I speak of wasn't aware of his own true identity for the majority of his life. In reality he was made to forcibly replace his original, as part of an exceptionally cruel sort of plot--the peers he knew, and the family surrounding him, were none the wiser of the trade, and thought the incident had rendered him amnesiac. He grew up entirely believing himself to be the person everyone told him he was...and then, at length, the truth was finally revealed to him. His original was still alive out there in the world--and he was an impostor all along, by some definitions, shaped by an identity that was no longer his own.
...I can only imagine it must have felt something like this. Having your origin pulled out from under you, all at once... [No, and even then--surely it was even worse, for Luke. The circumstances of that reveal...to witness the changing context of his own identity in painstaking realtime, only accentuated by the harsh judgment of his original. --Retrospect surely does bring many things to light. Jade glances up to Rita at length, smile long since faded.] I daresay anyone would call such a thing impactful, to witness. I will readily agree that his situation will forever stay with me. After all...I may not have been the one to revive the forbidden arte to create him, but I did have a hand in his existence to begin with, by first devising it at all...
rita just getting all the sad deets about her friends' friends lately
[Her use of the present tense is automatic, because they people left behind are still their friends...as long as they're still alive. And so...either Jade's friend already died, or they broke ties, but--Rita's banking on the former, based on the way Jade clearly still holds him so close. (Maybe she'd been assuming too much that Jade would be different from Natsuno in that respect--that people he was close to hadn't passed away before he arrived here.)
In any case--considering what they're going through right now, the story he tells is...a pretty painful one. Actually, it does sound like it was worse to her, too--they still know exactly who they are, even if their trajectories have split from the original.]
...To find out your whole identity and past were a fake...
[Jade does end up answering a couple of her questions, though--someone else revived fomicry and created this person, apparently.]
Was it...intentional that you met him?
[Hrm. Is that the right way to put it? To ask whether or not Jade became his acquaintance because he was a replica, or whether it was more...accidental. Which she can admit would be a little ironic, considering Jade's invention...]
[The question draws out a very slight laugh--unexpected as its tangent is, and as inherently nigh-ridiculous as the answer happens to be. It's more a short huff of a breath, than anything, to accompany the brief flicker of wry amusement as Jade shakes his head.]
Intentional? Oh, no, not in the least. It was quite the epitome of chance encounters, really...happening to bump into each other in the same place at the same time, as it were. [If it hadn't been the for Black Wings detonating that bridge--if the carriage carrying Luke and Tear had reached and crossed said bridge even fifteen minutes sooner--if Jade hadn't opted to stop off in Engeve at the Fon Master's request, and if Luke and Tear hadn't decided to do the same at that time...goodness, many things would be different. to say nothing of how thoroughly coincidental it all was, objectively...] Truthfully I almost couldn't believe it myself, as the details of his origins gradually came to light...some form of karma, no doubt. Or, as some would once call it, the will of the Score at work.
[Whether or not the Score was still in effect even at that time...still, the case is a strong one--such can't be denied even now. Jade sighs.]
Either way, I don't know...that I was of much help to him in the end anyhow, on the front of his identity. ...Furthermore, he never begrudged me my part in his existence, somehow, though he should have. I wouldn't have blamed him if he did.
[But he didn't, not once. He even advocated for Jade eventully, if anything, where even those most familiar with him were reluctant to--convinced as he was, that Jade had changed for good, and would never make the same mistakes he committed with fomicry again. ...In the very end...their final handshake held nothing but warmth...
Hm. It feels...strange. It feels very strange, speaking of Luke like this--indeed, Jade hasn't spoken of Luke at all since he first arrived aboard this vessel, and even back home...in the wake of Eldrant, there simply wasn't much time for reminiscing. Much less aloud. ...Jade's not sure why it's coming out now. Some perfect storm of the painful current revelation on hand, and the prodding on Rita's own part--her presence in and of itself, perhaps. (She reminds him so much of Luke sometimes, in the oddest ways...) Either way, though, it's like a dam finally cracking just a little bit. --And as expected, the wound of the loss is still raw, but at least...it's a different sort of painful from the trappings of their situation here. Maybe that counts for something...or maybe it doesn't...
But Rita did want justification for Jade's opinion on the matter, and this--is that. So to speak. As the answer is gradually drawn out very incrementally, in this way...]
[While she doesn't know what the Score is, in context, it sounds almost like he's saying it could've been...some kind of fate. Rita doesn't believe in destiny and preordained fate--your fate is what you make it, in her opinion--but that's not a tangent she's particularly interested in pursuing. Instead, she's taken aback by how...fondly he seems to recall the memory--fondly and with plenty of melancholy too, she'd say.]
You almost sound like you wanted him to blame you. [A beat, and then she adds-] Even if you weren't actually responsible for creating him...you still felt responsible for what he'd gone through. Is that about right?
[They never did dig too deep into Jade's past after...clarifying the basic details, and now...Jade certainly seems to be carrying way more guilt over his invention than she initially guessed. And besides that...]
In fact, it almost sounds like...you're still grieving him, or something...
...The fact of the matter is that he never would have existed, if it weren't for fomicry. That existence...has had many aspects, in turn. Both positive and negative. I can't deny my hand in those aspects, no matter how many degrees removed it might be.
[So, yes, she's about right. He does still feel responsible, and perhaps always will. Luke had told him, that one snowy night in Keterburg, that he was ultimately glad to experience the life he had, regardless of the circumstances tied to it...and though Jade holds the memory close like a talisman, it doesn't feel right to acknowledge only the positive aspects of it all. Above all else, he cannot let himself grow complacent--to forget just how extensively his own actions could alter the lives of others, in such ways.
But then Rita's making a note like that, and it's--hm. Not a sore spot, but. ...It's something he hasn't tried to look at since those events in Eldrant came to pass, has he? Even pointed out now--it's something of a surprise? That Rita could draw such a conclusion so promptly--
Jade hadn't even realized how his glance had ended up focusing on some other point to the side again, far off, before that remark's bringing him back to the present.]
Does it sound that way? I... [He doesn't know. Maybe that is the word for it. Surely he ought to be well-versed in personal loss by now, and yet to this day Jade still doesn't know how to identify this feeling. Whether it really is 'grief', in the same shape that anyone else's would be--when everyone else around him always seemed to experience it far more strongly and properly than himself. For a brief moment, the hesitation is plain on his features too.] ...I do think...I wish he'd been given more time. Luke only had seven years, to...
[To be alive, to experience the world, as his own person with his own outlook. --But that's getting into very painful territory indeed, and Jade abruptly realizes that he's getting off-track. Regardless of how...Rita doesn't seem to mind it. Seems to want to know more, even? Still, this is territory Jade doesn't want to wade into--doesn't know how to, not really--and...no, he's surely already said too much. The adjustment is an abrupt thing; a slight shift in his seat, and a moment taken to close his eyes and adjust his glasses, before Jade shakes his head again slightly.]
...Well, but that's beside the point. It isn't--we ought to return to the crux of the issue, at hand. ...That in the time afforded to him, he did eventually come to accept himself. To come to terms with the life he was parted from, and resolve to focus on a new path forward instead. So, if nothing else...the least I can do is take that resolve as an example, here and now.
To despair on this new path we've been forced onto will change nothing. Finding a new goal, and then making new resolves once that goal has been reached...that seems to me the best course of action, until we can acquire more tools to work with in this place. [Pushing out a slow breath of a sigh, Jade folds his arms.] ...I hardly expect you to accept this, as a solution. I'm well aware that it remains a paltry thing, vague as it is, and limited as our means seem here presently. But...
[But, it's all he has to offer, at present. ...And perhaps now, at least, Rita has the context on hand for where this perspective comes from. Whether or not she decides to take it up for herself.]
[Jade's definitely grieving...yet he barely seems to realize it himself, what with the way he answers her. She starts to wonder if this is the first time he's talked about this friend (Luke--she files that name away in the back of her mind) since arriving here, or else since whatever it was that lead to his apparent death.
Her brows furrow as he tries to change the subject. No, it's not what she originally came here for, but...maybe he needed to talk about it. She thinks she has a better understanding of him now, either way.
Well, anyway...he continues circling back to the initial problem, and eventually, she nods.]
I mean...I already knew we had to do that... [Which is...why she decided to talk to him?? Clearly.] But it is pretty vague right now...
[Also, she's still giving him a thoughtful look, pretty indicative of the fact that she's still considering asking him more about Luke.]
[Very technically speaking, it's the second time he's spoken of Luke to anyone on the ship so far--though the first person was Ava Starr, and it was an entirely unwilling admission courtesy of the honesty curse going around in the water at that time. Even then, though, Jade hadn't mentioned him by name. Which still makes the particular bent this conversation has taken...an odd one, to process. There's emotions happening about it, to be sure, but Jade isn't...entirely sure what those emotions are, either. It feels a bit too precarious to examine them...
So he's opting not to, about now. Which makes a shift back to the initial subject the most immediate way to go about it...even if Rita's pretty clearly rather less enthused about detaching from the topic of Luke in this way.]
It's indeed vague. Which means there's nothing for it but to try making it less so, in any way we can. Naturally, I trust that you'll be keeping your eyes and ears open for any other hint of information that might present itself over time. [Jade sure is seeing the thoughtful look Rita's continuing to level his way, and he's doing his level best to make no outward acknowledgment of it as he steers the both of them towards...what probably ought to be the end, of this particular conversation. Namely:] ...It's unfortunate you had to learn of this particular bit of information in this way. Where the nature of our existence here is concerned. ...But this, too, is invaluable to know all the same--even if it's painful to. I do still appreciate you bringing this to me, in the end.
[She makes a soft, acquiescing sigh. Externally, he might be handling all this far more calmly than she was, but to be fair...it was some pretty dire news to dump on him, and apparently dig up this grief he's been holding. She'll let the topic go, and let him have time to collect all his thoughts.]
Of course--if I do hear anything else. And that goes for you, too.
[Not that she believes he'd hold anything vital back, about their situation here.]
Anyway...uh, I don't know-- ['You're welcome' isn't something Rita Mordio really says at all, much less in this kind of context. So...the more fitting but also more embarrassing route...] ...Thanks, for...talking.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
come_sailaway
ITS FINALLY HAPPENING......and now im sad all over again ugh
Rita's use of the present tense in that answer, though--ah. Even just that brings about something of an aching sort of twinge, though Jade knows it wasn't her intention. Another slight pause falls, as he studies the coffee table between them.]
...At one time, I did.
[And perhaps he might again, someday. --The self he is back home now, anyway. There are still many replicas trying to find a place in the world, there, and he hopes to aid them in such a cause. But as to the ones he knew, for that brief span of time...thoughts of Fon Master Ion arise as well, and by extension Jade's referring to him too. But as to the person he's referencing here and now...]
The replica I speak of wasn't aware of his own true identity for the majority of his life. In reality he was made to forcibly replace his original, as part of an exceptionally cruel sort of plot--the peers he knew, and the family surrounding him, were none the wiser of the trade, and thought the incident had rendered him amnesiac. He grew up entirely believing himself to be the person everyone told him he was...and then, at length, the truth was finally revealed to him. His original was still alive out there in the world--and he was an impostor all along, by some definitions, shaped by an identity that was no longer his own.
...I can only imagine it must have felt something like this. Having your origin pulled out from under you, all at once... [No, and even then--surely it was even worse, for Luke. The circumstances of that reveal...to witness the changing context of his own identity in painstaking realtime, only accentuated by the harsh judgment of his original. --Retrospect surely does bring many things to light. Jade glances up to Rita at length, smile long since faded.] I daresay anyone would call such a thing impactful, to witness. I will readily agree that his situation will forever stay with me. After all...I may not have been the one to revive the forbidden arte to create him, but I did have a hand in his existence to begin with, by first devising it at all...
rita just getting all the sad deets about her friends' friends lately
In any case--considering what they're going through right now, the story he tells is...a pretty painful one. Actually, it does sound like it was worse to her, too--they still know exactly who they are, even if their trajectories have split from the original.]
...To find out your whole identity and past were a fake...
[Jade does end up answering a couple of her questions, though--someone else revived fomicry and created this person, apparently.]
Was it...intentional that you met him?
[Hrm. Is that the right way to put it? To ask whether or not Jade became his acquaintance because he was a replica, or whether it was more...accidental. Which she can admit would be a little ironic, considering Jade's invention...]
no subject
Intentional? Oh, no, not in the least. It was quite the epitome of chance encounters, really...happening to bump into each other in the same place at the same time, as it were. [If it hadn't been the for Black Wings detonating that bridge--if the carriage carrying Luke and Tear had reached and crossed said bridge even fifteen minutes sooner--if Jade hadn't opted to stop off in Engeve at the Fon Master's request, and if Luke and Tear hadn't decided to do the same at that time...goodness, many things would be different. to say nothing of how thoroughly coincidental it all was, objectively...] Truthfully I almost couldn't believe it myself, as the details of his origins gradually came to light...some form of karma, no doubt. Or, as some would once call it, the will of the Score at work.
[Whether or not the Score was still in effect even at that time...still, the case is a strong one--such can't be denied even now. Jade sighs.]
Either way, I don't know...that I was of much help to him in the end anyhow, on the front of his identity. ...Furthermore, he never begrudged me my part in his existence, somehow, though he should have. I wouldn't have blamed him if he did.
[But he didn't, not once. He even advocated for Jade eventully, if anything, where even those most familiar with him were reluctant to--convinced as he was, that Jade had changed for good, and would never make the same mistakes he committed with fomicry again. ...In the very end...their final handshake held nothing but warmth...
Hm. It feels...strange. It feels very strange, speaking of Luke like this--indeed, Jade hasn't spoken of Luke at all since he first arrived aboard this vessel, and even back home...in the wake of Eldrant, there simply wasn't much time for reminiscing. Much less aloud. ...Jade's not sure why it's coming out now. Some perfect storm of the painful current revelation on hand, and the prodding on Rita's own part--her presence in and of itself, perhaps. (She reminds him so much of Luke sometimes, in the oddest ways...) Either way, though, it's like a dam finally cracking just a little bit. --And as expected, the wound of the loss is still raw, but at least...it's a different sort of painful from the trappings of their situation here. Maybe that counts for something...or maybe it doesn't...
But Rita did want justification for Jade's opinion on the matter, and this--is that. So to speak. As the answer is gradually drawn out very incrementally, in this way...]
no subject
[While she doesn't know what the Score is, in context, it sounds almost like he's saying it could've been...some kind of fate. Rita doesn't believe in destiny and preordained fate--your fate is what you make it, in her opinion--but that's not a tangent she's particularly interested in pursuing. Instead, she's taken aback by how...fondly he seems to recall the memory--fondly and with plenty of melancholy too, she'd say.]
You almost sound like you wanted him to blame you. [A beat, and then she adds-] Even if you weren't actually responsible for creating him...you still felt responsible for what he'd gone through. Is that about right?
[They never did dig too deep into Jade's past after...clarifying the basic details, and now...Jade certainly seems to be carrying way more guilt over his invention than she initially guessed. And besides that...]
In fact, it almost sounds like...you're still grieving him, or something...
no subject
[So, yes, she's about right. He does still feel responsible, and perhaps always will. Luke had told him, that one snowy night in Keterburg, that he was ultimately glad to experience the life he had, regardless of the circumstances tied to it...and though Jade holds the memory close like a talisman, it doesn't feel right to acknowledge only the positive aspects of it all. Above all else, he cannot let himself grow complacent--to forget just how extensively his own actions could alter the lives of others, in such ways.
But then Rita's making a note like that, and it's--hm. Not a sore spot, but. ...It's something he hasn't tried to look at since those events in Eldrant came to pass, has he? Even pointed out now--it's something of a surprise? That Rita could draw such a conclusion so promptly--
Jade hadn't even realized how his glance had ended up focusing on some other point to the side again, far off, before that remark's bringing him back to the present.]
Does it sound that way? I... [He doesn't know. Maybe that is the word for it. Surely he ought to be well-versed in personal loss by now, and yet to this day Jade still doesn't know how to identify this feeling. Whether it really is 'grief', in the same shape that anyone else's would be--when everyone else around him always seemed to experience it far more strongly and properly than himself. For a brief moment, the hesitation is plain on his features too.] ...I do think...I wish he'd been given more time. Luke only had seven years, to...
[To be alive, to experience the world, as his own person with his own outlook. --But that's getting into very painful territory indeed, and Jade abruptly realizes that he's getting off-track. Regardless of how...Rita doesn't seem to mind it. Seems to want to know more, even? Still, this is territory Jade doesn't want to wade into--doesn't know how to, not really--and...no, he's surely already said too much. The adjustment is an abrupt thing; a slight shift in his seat, and a moment taken to close his eyes and adjust his glasses, before Jade shakes his head again slightly.]
...Well, but that's beside the point. It isn't--we ought to return to the crux of the issue, at hand. ...That in the time afforded to him, he did eventually come to accept himself. To come to terms with the life he was parted from, and resolve to focus on a new path forward instead. So, if nothing else...the least I can do is take that resolve as an example, here and now.
To despair on this new path we've been forced onto will change nothing. Finding a new goal, and then making new resolves once that goal has been reached...that seems to me the best course of action, until we can acquire more tools to work with in this place. [Pushing out a slow breath of a sigh, Jade folds his arms.] ...I hardly expect you to accept this, as a solution. I'm well aware that it remains a paltry thing, vague as it is, and limited as our means seem here presently. But...
[But, it's all he has to offer, at present. ...And perhaps now, at least, Rita has the context on hand for where this perspective comes from. Whether or not she decides to take it up for herself.]
no subject
Her brows furrow as he tries to change the subject. No, it's not what she originally came here for, but...maybe he needed to talk about it. She thinks she has a better understanding of him now, either way.
Well, anyway...he continues circling back to the initial problem, and eventually, she nods.]
I mean...I already knew we had to do that... [Which is...why she decided to talk to him?? Clearly.] But it is pretty vague right now...
[Also, she's still giving him a thoughtful look, pretty indicative of the fact that she's still considering asking him more about Luke.]
no subject
So he's opting not to, about now. Which makes a shift back to the initial subject the most immediate way to go about it...even if Rita's pretty clearly rather less enthused about detaching from the topic of Luke in this way.]
It's indeed vague. Which means there's nothing for it but to try making it less so, in any way we can. Naturally, I trust that you'll be keeping your eyes and ears open for any other hint of information that might present itself over time. [Jade sure is seeing the thoughtful look Rita's continuing to level his way, and he's doing his level best to make no outward acknowledgment of it as he steers the both of them towards...what probably ought to be the end, of this particular conversation. Namely:] ...It's unfortunate you had to learn of this particular bit of information in this way. Where the nature of our existence here is concerned. ...But this, too, is invaluable to know all the same--even if it's painful to. I do still appreciate you bringing this to me, in the end.
no subject
Of course--if I do hear anything else. And that goes for you, too.
[Not that she believes he'd hold anything vital back, about their situation here.]
Anyway...uh, I don't know-- ['You're welcome' isn't something Rita Mordio really says at all, much less in this kind of context. So...the more fitting but also more embarrassing route...] ...Thanks, for...talking.